Decision-Making Made Easy
“My final decision is maybe.”
Figuring out if my age gap relationship was going to work for me, was a process of navigating a series of decisions laced with important questions. Everything from, “Am I ok with this?” to, “What will others say?” to, “What about the future?” loomed heavily. My purest moment of clarity around decision-making came after reading, The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Mason.
One of the main premises in the book is that happiness comes from solving problems. Suffering is part of the human condition, we can’t escape it, and the problems never stop. But, by solving our problems, we become happy. Mason provides plenty of research as to why this is true, along with anecdotal evidence of this playing out in real life. Let’s apply his premise to making a decision about a partner.
You have been on a few dates with someone older or younger. You’ve had a great time, connected on multiple levels, and feel respected and safe. Soon, you think you may want to move beyond casual dating, and closer to real intimacy. You now ask yourself, what problems do I want to solve?
If this ends up working — and lasts — do I want to solve the likely problem of having to help my older partner with their aging needs (or burdening the younger)? Do I want to solve the problem of having to face discrimination and judgement from people I love, or who I do not know because of the way we look together? Do I want to always feel like I need to explain or defend our love?
Or, do I want to solve the problem of letting this person go, giving up a potentially great match because I do not want to solve these problems, and take on new, different problems to solve, like spending time finding a new partner, perhaps closer in age? Do I want the problem of worrying that a new partner might not be like the person I gave up, and then decide if he/she matches my values, quirks, deal-breaker list, 80/20 rule, pheromones, spark, etc?
When it comes to your particular situation, the one that makes you ask — Will it Work? or, Is he/she right for me? — ask yourself this question, right here, right now: What problems do you want to solve?
For me, I reached two major crossroads in my age gap relationship. During our first engagement, at age 33, I started to feel like perhaps I did want the option to have children (I was undecided and a little indifferent about procreation). Troy had made up his mind, and let me know from the beginning — having kids was not in his plans.
Eight years into our relationship and post engagement, I started to feel a nagging voice that wouldn’t go away. After months of deliberation, contemplation, and conversation, I knew I had no choice but to explore this one on my own. Deciding if I wanted to have children was something I simply could not do alongside someone who did not want them.
I ended my age gap engagement with Troy, a heartbreaking decision, leaving the man I loved more than anyone, and one who loved me equally. During this time, about three years, I met new people, saw the world alone instead of with a partner, dated a few different men, traveled to new places, and finally went to therapy.
This time away from our relationship taught me how to connect and listen to something inside of me, something beyond the ego, the mind, whatever it is that we are always trying to protect and make “seem right.” I noticed that every time I thought of Troy, a deep longing in the pit of my stomach would occur. When we would see or talk to each other (we remained friends and still had business to mind), I felt like I was home, and I never wanted to leave. These consistent, physical sensations were more than just post-break up blues. My heart felt alive, my gut ached, and my intuition was steering me back to where I knew I belonged.
My therapist reflected back to me that it was time to start listening to it, that it was “me”— my true self guiding me along. She gave me tools for drowning out what I thought everyone else wanted to see and hear, and reminded me that we never know what the future will hold. Indeed, I could die, get sick, loose energy, etc etc, before him.
In the end, I decided that I had a new problem to solve: Letting everyone know that I was back with my ex. I decided that I would rather solve the problems that come from not having children, than the ones that come with knowing that I gave up the love of my life, the best partner for me, the closest experience I have felt to universal love — the love that has no opposite.