Kids: The Great Unknown
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
I'm always intrigued by those who know with one hundred percent certainty that they want to have a child. Amazed by their clarity, focus, and will. Since I have never been in this camp, my perpetually undecided self took me on a journey of figuring out the answer.
For those who are considering not having kids, are undecided, or are in love with someone who doesn't want them, I sympathize with how challenging this situation can be. The cultural pressure to have children is enormous, and the opinions of friends and family can make it even harder for someone undecided to hear what they truly want. And while often this situation sorts itself out one way or the other, for the more calculated folk, the dilemma will one day need resolve.
This voyage is filled with all kinds of maddening emotions and “what ifs?”, and in the end, a huge leap of faith is necessary to commit to the unknowns of either decision. Faith is being ok with not knowing if everything will turn out ok. It’s accepting what is, without trying to control the situation.
The most important thing to consider, is why? Why do you want to bring another human being into the world, raise them, and then be connected to this person for the rest of your life? Is it for your sake? Your partner's? Your unborn child's? Self honesty is empowering, as there are no right or wrong answers.
Hopefully, as you question your desires and intentions, helpful answers and possibly more questions will surface. Write down your thoughts, discuss them with your inner circle, ponder them in silence and absolutely sit with yourself long enough to make sure that the voice that ultimately guides you is your own, and no one else's.
My decision to not have kids was not taken lightly. In fact, I called off my engagement because I thought, after some contemplation and ongoing agony to “decide!”, that I did want to have the option to have kids. So, I went out there, and re entered the dating pool at 34. I also talked to a therapist during this period, who actually provided insight that stuck with me.
She helped me see the situation I was in less fatalistically. We alliveiated some of the pressure I was putting on myself. And ultimately, she reminded me that we can't predict the future, and that there are trade offs in either scenario and descion. I just had to pick what was most important to me.
There have also been some great women who have provided me with insight into this situation, even recently, one beautiful woman who decided not to have kids stated: I feel like I can do so much more for the world without kids than with kids. I think what has helped alleviate this struggle, what has turned it into a final decision, is that I am ok with being a mother to all the world’s children.
This isn't a case for not having kids. Children are amazing, and I have spent the majority of my life around them. I am a proud aunt, Godmother, youth advocate, and child care worker. I find children to be our greatest teachers, and am blessed by the hundreds of young people in my life.
There are many reasons why people end up not having kids. This extremely private and personal decision or set of circumstances can be overwhelming emotional, so it is important for people to be mindful of this and tread lightly when discussing the subject.
I will often hear parents say offhandedly, with little regard, how people without kids "just don't understand" certain things (usually followed by an eye roll). And while this is absolutely true, we don't, it makes us feel sub par, and insinuates we are unable to know unconditional love, animistic protectiveness, selflessness, hard work, purpose, and/or the stages of human development.
Please consider our feelings when speaking to us about what you think we don't understand, and know that all women have a biological, maternal instinct to share.
If anyone would like help talking through this subject, please contact me. Also would like to hear any other’s experiences with this subject.