The Beginning
In the beginning, when we are first wondering if it is "ok" to consider an older or younger partner, what do we do?
We poll our friends, we google, we read about those who have tried. We wonder what our (insert most judgmental person's name) will think. We know we probably can't tell our (insert most conservative person's name).
Most folks toying with the idea of dating someone out of their age box will tell you that the internal struggle — everything from questioning the idea of the relationship itself, to worrying about what others will think and say —is persevering, and for some, never goes away. Why is this?
Because we do the same thing everyone else does - we make quick, snap judgments about people we don't know. And we can't help it.
Research tells us that as our brains are taking in exponential amounts of data, and processing it in milliseconds. This is to help us make situational assessments quickly.
Author, Malcolm Gladwell, explored this idea - called "thin slicing" - in his book, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking. He explained to the masses that rapid cognition, for better or worse, governs us on a much larger scale than we thought.
He states that we can trust this brainpower when we are responding to danger, have a gut feeling about something, while reading facial cues, or have to make a fast decision or solve a problem in our field of expertise. It fails us, however, when we make quick judgments about others, or stereotype people.
How we were raised, our level of self awareness, our education, and our micro and macro culture will all influence how we “thin slice”. Our brain takes all of our unconscious biases and within seconds, creates a person's profile.
If we think, for example, that older women who date a younger men are superficial, sex-driven, aggressive, and wealthy, then we are going to think that thought immediately when we see that type of couple. Even if we don't really think this, but the sentiment is the dominate thought of our household or society, our brains will still invite those stereotypes into its thin slicing of this pair. Things change when we get to know these people individually, but if we are talking about those first few thoughts, then this is what our brains give us.
Every first impression of an age gap relationship is at the mercy of the onlooker's cumulative, subconscious, discriminatory thoughts. Bummer.
The good news — at least we know why we are so anxious: we are trying to control (and change) the collective and individual psyche of everyone we encounter. Awareness of our brain's wiring and role of unconscious thoughts can lead us to opening our own minds, to become aware of our own underlying prejudices, and encourage ourselves to give others a chance before making a decision about how we feel about them. We can work on opening ourselves up to new experiences and inviting more education into our lives. We should strive to become aware of our thin slicing shortcomings, and explore where we need to be a bit more open minded and tolerant, less negative.
Dating someone older or younger places you in a new category. You will stand out. You will be judged. You may even have bad things said about or happen to you because of this choice. It is no easy road. One thing is for certain, we live in a world of paradoxes, and sometimes, that what challenges us the most, becomes our greatest gift. What you do with that gift is up to you.