Why I Hate Your AGR

Have you ever wondered why you become uncomfortable when around people in age gap relationships?  Have you found yourself scoffing or looking down upon people who have made the choice to give one a try?  Do you subconsciously go through a mental checklist of stereotypes that may point to "the reason" why the couple is together?  Do you feel these unions are inappropriate, sad, or even disgusting?  

Academics are starting to study the growing age gap relationship phenomenon, and most recently, why outsiders find them so off-putting.  In a 2018 study at Oakland University (MI), it was correlated that the people who disapproved most of age gap relationships were likely making the assumption that the relationship was an exchange-based partnership rather than a care-based one, and generally perceived the union as exploitative in some way (Sela et al., 2018).  Researchers found that the more people disapproved of prostitution, the more they condemned age gap relationships.  

My first reaction to this study was positive: "Wow--the raters were really just following their natural instinct to protect those they felt were being preyed upon.  Maybe they aren't so judgmental after all..."   

But as I dug further into the available research, I realized that this wasn't quite the case.  Some interesting paradoxes emerged:

(1) People report being open to an age gap relationship in their own lives, but viewed it for other's critically; 

(2) Younger people disapprove more of age gaps than older people; and 

(3) Women bear the most criticism for being in AGRs (whether older or younger) by both men and women, as they are seen as the ones being in them for reasons other than love. This is reflected by common labels like "cougar" and "gold digger" (Lehmiller and Agnew 2011).

Unfortunately, some of these themes, from moral superiority to societal double standards, are alive and well today, despite movements to educate and eradicate. This research, while only scratching the surface, still illustrates that age gappers are criticized, outcasted, and judged, enough to where people are funding studies to explore the reasons why.   

As we all wait for more studies into the complexity of human behavior, I believe that most important question we can be asking ourselves, rather than why, is what. What can I do to explore my personal biases so I can be tolerant of others who are different than me?  What can I do to rewire some of the cultural attitudes that have been instilled in me, especially related to the double standards for women?  What can I do to befriend people in these unions, and accept those in my life who have chosen a different path than I?  What step can I take today?