Will it Work?
“Love can only exist in freedom.”
For those who have read Eckhart Tolle, the bestselling author widely known for his ability to link happiness and joy to staying in the present moment, may remember his chapter on “Enlightened Relationships” in The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment. Tolle states: “Unless we can access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional.”
Bad news first.
According to Tolle (and many love researchers), most relationships, especially in the beginning, are great. We present our best selves, act polite and cordial, and forgive the other’s shortcomings and faults. If romance develops, research tells us that our brain enters the “infatuation state,” a mode where chemicals are released in our bodies as we connect physically and emotionally with our mates. This state is when we usually (mistakenly) think we are in love.
But, what Tolle mentions, is that eventually we will become dissatisfied, and that we begin to oscillate between this state of “love” and hate. His premise, which is very similar to the Buddha’s philosophy — our attachments cause suffering — is that we will do everything we can to protect this emotional state of “love”. Not only does this take us out of the present moment as we cling to the past and worry about the future, but it leaves us constantly on edge. Like a momma bear protecting her cubs, we see everything as a threat to our new found sense of self and security.
Under threat, our past pain and trauma is triggered, and we react, often primitively and dramatically. Anger, harshness, defensiveness, withdrawal, jealousy, resentment…the worst actions and feelings directed at those we just claimed to “love”.
Then, our partners, now under threat, become confused and defensive, and their past pain surfaces. Conflict ensues. Since this version of love and hate each need other to survive, this trap is where we find ourselves – the drama of our lives.
So where does that leave us if we are questioning who to date or when to commit, especially when it involves another dynamic layer, such as an age difference?
Tolle encourages us to accept our partner exactly as they are. To stop judging them, trying to change them. Accept everything you wish they would or would not do, every annoying trait and behavior, every mole and wrinkle. No more reacting, blaming, wishing, wanting. Be with them in the now, the present moment.
He says that by making this a practice, with time, the decision will become apparent and you will make a choice to either separate, or move forward, consciously accepting each other’s strengths and faults, together. He states, “To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”
Feeling unsure about something is our body’s way of telling us to use caution and slow down. It is an opportunity to pause, and ask ourselves if we are stuck in the addictive trap of protecting our fragile version of safety. Are we trying to predict the future? Appease others? Play victim?
Tolle and many spiritual teachers say that true love has no opposite, and that it is sexless, selfless, egoless, and as De Mello says, “free". That real love is a state of being, something inside of us independent of anything else, and awakens when it connects with the deep love (or being) that resides in every living thing.
That is why a tingly, special, or uplifting feeling is often triggered by something simple–a sunset, a helpful stranger, our pets, a band finding their groove. Tolle calls this presence. Some describe this as God love, or, God is love.
Sustaining this state is what many of us are striving for. But we are still human, and left to deal with attraction, infatuation, ego and “love”. Tolle reminds us how much our ego and attachments dominate our lives. So as we ponder, will it work? we must remind ourselves that it isn’t about knowing in our mind if it will work or not, it is about exploring this question from a place of presence, with our full attention. And it never stops…every day bringing a new set of challenges and delights.
It worked today…tomorrow, we will see.